| HoMe PaGe
a LiL aBouT Me
PiCTuReS
CeLeBRiTy PiCS
KiTTie PiCS
LyRiCS
KiTTie
aLL THaT iS THe DeViL
aLL FoR HoT JeN
PoeTRy
WRiTiNGS
CRaZy LiNKS
GueST BooK
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SoMe RaNDoM THouGHTS
basically this page should only be witnessed by those who will consider this w/ an open mind, all the entries on here will be from my inner most thoughts.. inspired by a dear friend.. my jamie, my beautiful evil demon child hehe
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DReaMS....3-21-03
dreams, what are they?.. do they mean anything.. or are they just a pigment of our imagination so that when we sleep, we have somewhat of an entertainment?
in my opinion, dreams are made by our thoughts, they are what is in our unconcious mind, what we try to not think about, our fears, our hopes, dreams, aspirations... sometimes they seem as if it really happened... for me, i like to analyze my dreams, for instance, the night before last, i had a dream of a girl, that i care deeply about. in this dream, we were laying in a bed together, cuddling, wrestling around, as the silly girls we can be. we'd lay around on top of each other, tickle each other, kiss each other on the cheek, hold each other, comfort one another, but never , do anything sexual.. some of the ways we laid, would be perfect opportunity for something in a sexual sense, but neither took it.. this dream showed me that no matter how close me and ashley may ever become, we shall never become more than friends, and if so.. then we will be together forever.. comfortable and close.
then there's the different side to dreams, the negative side, the side of horror and delusion.. we call this, the nightmare.. i have nightmares on a regular basis, i can wake myself up during the middle of them, i usually call allison, tell her about it, and then go back to sleep, because she is fascinated by my dreams and turns them into stories.. but sometimes... the dream shifts, and takes control of the dreamer, thats when my heart starts to race, my body starts to break into cold sweats, and it feels as if im dying... when i cant control my dream... i feel unsafe, not secure, and it causes me to stay up for days, for fear that i shall have another nightmare so horrible and frightening as that one... the truth behind the nightmare lies in the dreamer, whatever you may be afraid of, whether you realize it or not, will be shown thru these thoughts at night. im afraid of so many things, which may cause multiple nightmares per night, its a realitive thing for me, something im use to , something that i can usually handle...
dreams are a fantasy world, something that we use to escape the harsh reality, the life we are stuck to live with, but at times, the horrid reality that we live in attacks our dream worlds, and tries to destroy us.. |
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DouBTS......5-7-03
faith, hope, pain, frustration... they all come wrapped up in the same package.. at the same time, for the same reasons. im falling for someone, someone that i cannot see, someone that i cannot touch, that i cannot be with. completely and utterly devoted.. thats how i am, and i hate it. i dont know if i should feel this way. sometimes im sure thats it real, as for other times, my insecurities my doubts arrive. they come from the stupidest smallest things... that shouldn't really even make these thoughts appear. i dont know whats wrong with me anymore, maybe i should be this way, maybe i shouldnt. i dont want anything in this life, NOTHING, but to love a gurl, and to have that gurl love me back. i know, understand, and realize, that i am a difficult person to love, a difficult person to respect, to understand. i am just difficult in general. i assume too much, i look into every word, every sentence, every expressed thought.. so deeply, that, it puts me into positions that im not sure how to handle. i dont know how to react well with others. my mind is set on things, that i am not sure that i can even achieve. some things that are so overlooked, so stupid, so not necessary to pay attention to.. i notice, i dont want to notice these things anymore, all it does is cause me pain, i dont want pain, i want to be numb.. to the world, i want to forget what i feel.. but i dont have it in me.. once i feel something, it doesn't leave, no matter how fucking hard i try to push it out of me.. it just stays, grows, changes, but, never fades.. i want to fade, i want to fade away, i DONT want to be known, i DONT want to be anything.. i dont want anyone to remember me, i just want to vanish without a trace, but in this world, this fucked up world, it just cant happen like that. is it possible for me to ever change? i've been trying to change for years... how long until i crack? how much longer until i just.. snap... could it be minutes? days? weeks? months? or even years? no one will know, no one knows anything. no one will ever really know whats in my head, whats on my mind. i hold things in, i hold it all in. i let out some little thoughts some twerks that i just feel that must be said... but why must they be said? is it because i want to say them.. do i TRY to push people to hate me? do i TRY to push them away? i dont know anymore.. i just try to speak a part of my mind.. i need to let out my thoughts.. i need to let out my anger.. im so full of anger and sadness anymore, and i DONT know where the fuck it came from.. i should be happy, or at least fucking content.. sometimes i think i am, then, i just realize, its false happiness due to enhancing my mind. i've been doing too much of that anymore.. i need to stop, but being in this town, i cant.. i need out, i need to run.. yes i know that that seems like the loser way, the cowardly way to settle things, but what else is there for me to do? if anyone has any advice.. let me know PLEASE.. before something may happen, whether that be whatever i dont know.. i hate love, i hate feelings, i hate everything... i wish that was true.. it is in one aspect.. but i live for beauty, there's just so much of it in this world... i become overwhelmed.. with sadness.. because of my lack of it.. |
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RaNDoM THouGHTS....3-27-03
love...what the hell is it really?... a feeling? a thought? what?... does anyone truelly know?... no. no one really knows... its different for everyone.. its just something that is inside you, and honestly, im beginning to think that i have too much of it in me to dish out... im completely ok with the love that i share with my friends, its just, sometimes, i feel upset, used, etc... cuz of it.. sometimes.. i feel certain people use me cuz im so "sweet". which in my mind, im completely NOT sweet, i just say what is obviously true and that other people may not have the balls to say as much as i do. sometimes i feel as if i am only that nice so that ppl will like me, so in the end, i bring it all to myself... therefore, its all my fault that i always end up in "crazy situations" but, its not completely my fault that i meet some great people, some great friends, true blue.. at least i think and hope.. yes i know of a few that for sure... wont hurt me... and i know that this may sound a bit selfish, but im just fucking sick of it.. i dont know what to do ... i hate how i feel.. i hate how i've been feeling lately... yes, i do honestly sometimes wish, that some day, i could fall asleep, and never wake up, but no.. i will never fucking kill myself... i've been thru losing such a beautiful and wonderful friend that i will never put anyone in any kind of that pain... i love so much. i love music, life, friends, family(even those that i say i dont care for)... and so much more.. i love the little things, sitting outside during a summer night, relaxing with my friends as we just talk about the stupidest most, non-important to anyone else things... but little does anyone know that those things are completely important to me.. i treasure every word, every second, every glance of life i get with them... but do they know this.. i dont know... yes i can be confusing at times... but... im just trying to let some feelings out.. the safe way..
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TiMe 6-8-03
holding the one thing that i find joy in,
my arms are wrapped up over the guitar
i'd much rather them be around you
i'd rather have you
i go out, i party, i spend time with friends
but the whole time, im away.. i wish that i could just be home..
asleep, not disturbed, in a fantasy land
dreaming.. dreaming about the sky, ocean, summer, you
maybe thats why i get high?
to be in a non-existent, temporary condition, that im smiling
i think im lonely
which is completely ridiculous, because i am surrounded by people all the time
i look at my friends, their all pairing up, finding someone
when will it be my turn?
or have i found someone, and, let it slip away
let it fade away
or did it just disappear
everything seems to disappear at some point
especially when it is involved with me
maybe its just me..
maybe i attach myself too much
i only want one thing in this life
just ONE
to be loved.. to be in love
to have someone to hold and cherish, forever
i wouldn't need anything else
nor want anything
i wake up late at night
and just sit up... cry
hope that no one can hear me
and look around, at my surroundings
maybe im just jealous about everyone?
some people have so much, and still wish for more
am i one of those people?
can i ever be satisfied
only time will tell..
what if time runs out?
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